I’d always wanted to be a coach, even as a player I would consider how I would approach certain aspects of the role, absorbing the good practices and casting out the bad. There were plenty of both. I was just waiting for the right opportunity and then one morning, stuck in a social media loop, it presented itself.
Seeking the challenge of managing an adult team? Our Ladies Reserves are looking for a Manager
I froze for a moment, it seemed too good to be true. I knew the Club, the Chairman, the Physio, hell I knew the lady who tended bar, even down to the right gender, it seemed too good to be true.
I had always been an avid supporter of the women’s game, from the moment I attended an international to see the great Kelly Smith in full flow. The atmosphere was incredible, completely different to what I had become accustomed to. It was a party, a genuine family affair, husbands with wives, daughters and sons, each with a flag or a horn or a song. It’s very unusual to hear the Spice Girls reverberate around the Bescot stadium but it served as a welcome tonic. I had become completely disenchanted with the men’s game, it had beaten me into submission, sometimes literally. Football has such potential for good and yet I had seen it bring out the worst in people. Fights, thefts, bullies, cheats, liars, I had seen it all. The women’s game had seemed to retain the essence of what makes football beautiful, yet to be polluted by those who have lost sight of its potential to bring the best out of ourselves and others.
I have observed a lot of coaching and found one overarching theme, they wanted to win above all else, any decision made was guided by that misguided principle. Listen, create competitiveness sure ,but it has to be grounded in so much more than just the result of a game. I’ve witnessed the debilitating effect this type of environment can have on a young footballer, mistakes are not lessons set out to teach us something, they are failures and before you know it creativity is stifled and caution becomes the order of the day.
Being a reserve team, I thought dovetailed perfectly with my approach to coaching. At that level especially I believed it was about development and growth, as players,as people. I’ve always thought football as transcendent, the strengths and deficiencies of a human being held up to the light, providing challenge and opportunity to grow within a game setting but for the sake of the real life tests that await us all. Surely a game with such potential for personal growth has more significant victories to offer than a mere score line. Some of the best leadership qualities I have witnessed were driven, not by success, but from the depths of failure. And likewise I have seen seemingly successful teams lose sight of the real objective, the long term goal, the shaping and moulding of, the player, the person.
Pep Guardiola’s famous Barcelona team offered a watershed moment in my football education. I’d always advocated possession based football having played as a pivot. However it wasn’t a pivotal position then, playing out from the back, through the thirds and into zone 14 didn’t exist, largely I served as a net for ping pong, but Guardiola’s team changed all that. It answered questions I didn’t even know lay dormant in my mind. I just wanted an opportunity to coach that way. When you have a game model, education becomes very much part of the process. It’s just about finding the best methods to help them absorb that information. Everyone has their own learning style. Try to find it. Check your own ego at the door.
No more football cliches, no more platitudes to hide behind, white noise and wasted energy in my opinion. I wanted to create understanding and a platform where reasoned vocabulary would follow closely behind as a by-product. I often hear from many a sideline “we aren’t talking”, well maybe that’s because they don’t know what to say? Is that their failing or the coaches? How many times have we all taken part in a session without understanding? How is this creating players who can problem solve? What an opportunity to provide a crucial life skill.
The ladies reserves team was exactly the opportunity I’d been waiting for. I replied to the add and waited eagerly for a response. Ok, it’s read, ok he’s typing, oh God it’s vacant. Questions surfaced. Can I do it? Should I do it? Is it too much of a commitment? What impact will it have on my family? I listened to my own reason. You’ve taken the first step, just take the next one and if that feels ok well take another.
The next step was a meeting with three senior members of the squad, in a pub I had frequented all too often. Time to impart my game model and see if it was a direction they wanted to go in.
I was debriefed on the team. They had trained at the clubs complex but on the rough land down the side of the main pitch, they weren’t allowed on, with minimal numbers attending. They needed a new home pitch as the previous season had seen several injuries caused by its poor condition. They needed a new home strip but didn’t have the money. We eventually got to the football. They had been struggling and confidence was low. I wanted a project and it sounded like one.
That evening, I received word that the team would like me to take the position. I was honoured and raring to start training however I was going abroad on holiday the next day, it would have to wait, I focused on the more administrative side of things.
I knew we would be ok to train on the local park for the time being until the dark nights set in around October, but I needed to plan ahead. We had been offered to share an astro turf pitch with the first team but I had declined. I knew the facility and the poor condition of its pitches, I also knew we would be embroiled in mini matches every week and I would be less a coach and more of a referee and I needed as much time as could be afforded to put over my methods. Eventually, after much a debate over Facebook messenger regarding price,time and location we found a facility, that wasn’t exactly what we were looking for, but it was close.
I had it in my mind early that 3G would be best. Having a degree of trust in the surface would help with confidence especially how I wanted us to play. I was also mindful of the winter months where many a fixture was abandoned resulting in a backlog at the end of the season. A situation I always hated as a player. Fortunately several new 3G pitches had been created in the local area and I lucked out early with one contained within a school grounds. It came with Perspex dugouts,which would prove very handy during adverse weather conditions, especially for the young man who for our first few games would sleep off the night before whilst waiting for his girlfriends game to finish. That was an interesting conversation. We also had adjoining dressing rooms with an external door which allowed me to enter,at the appropriate time, without disturbing the away team.
After obtaining both a training facility and a home pitch it was easy to calculate how much the subs would be in order to cover both but leave some in the coffers for a new strip and any other bits and pieces along the way.
Being part of a bigger set up the club had a Financial Secretary who was responsible for each individual teams bank account, this was both a help and a hindrance. Coaches did not have access to the account but would get emails periodically giving them the total. This meant keeping tabs on what went in and out became somewhat problematic. It was especially awkward as with over 70 teams to support obtaining funds in a timely fashion was infrequent and held up the payment of invoices for the home pitch amongst other things. This was not helped by the fact it had to be paid for in cash and if you had a spate of away games a 20 mile round trip was necessary,merely to hand over an envelope.
During our holiday I had some down time to consider how I was going to approach preseason. I put together a session on playing through the thirds. I wanted players to accept the ball in areas they would never have dared to before and do it with self belief and an understanding of why.
The weather was just as glorious during our first training session as it had been my previous week in Spain. I stood out on the pitch and waiting whilst the players encircled me, my father watching from afar on a park bench. And so I began the speech I had practised. The main points were this:
1)I wanted them to open their minds to new ideas
2)keep the ball with confidence in their own abilities.
3)Be process lead not result orientated
We would play 3-5-2. I had concluded this the best formation in order to nurture them into a methodology that at times might take them out of their comfort zone. The additional centre back would help give us a numerical advantage in build up. The midfield would have 3 which again would help us gain control in in the middle and two upfront as not to isolate individuals within our frontline. It was centrally dominant, a key aspect but it also helped create much better angles and provide a better body shape for the receiver that aided possession.
But before any work on shape, they would run and run some more, first to the fairground and back and then in a square, walking, jogging, sprinting….repeat. Attempting to stay together as a group. I mentally recorded, who was in front, who was at the back, who encouraged the ones at the back, is there any correlation between this and the individuals who weren’t listening during my little speech. I wanted to work on their ability to think whilst also exerting a lot of physical output.
Within a few weeks I had identified my #6. I was looking for technical ability and intelligence and she had it in spades. She stood out in every passing exercise and had a calm assurance that I thought would make her perfect for the role. It would be my first battle. I explained the importance of the role, how it would suit her skill set and benefit the whole team but she was not interested and wouldn’t give it any attempt. She had her heart set on playing up front. With 4 forwards all with quite specific profiles I couldn’t see how adding another was beneficial, I thought it would greatly reduce their playing time and hinder their development and so I needed a degree of open mindedness. Still she said no. After that I didn’t see or hear from her for several weeks. She eventually made her self available but I made her unavailable. I know what can happen if you don’t set your stall out early in a football team. They’ll eat you alive.
In the mean time I had selected my captain. For me there was only one option. She had been one of the three senior players at the pub and had been a constant source of support. She was confident, unafraid to put her point across, she was also an intelligent footballer having played previously at a high standard but most importantly she was like a sponge wanting to learn as much as possible, it made sense to convert her into a #6. I needed someone who believed in what we were attempting and transmitted that onto pitch. It meant a conversation with the previous captain, my predecessors daughter, she took it well enough having had me convince her to stay after her father stepped down
Despite preseason going relatively well our first game was a disaster, we lost 13-0, it was the manner of the defeat that really hurt. We started well enough but within 15 minutes we had used all three subs. One through asthma and another two through muscle strains, one being my captain. She would be out for several weeks and not having that manager out on the pitch hurt us whilst in the infancy of that real learning stage. They blinked and it ended up in disarray, everything we had worked on during preseason had gone out the window and they reverted to old ways even down to changing formation and who played where. Thankfully the walk to the dressing room was long and gave me opportunity to ponder what I was going to say, unfortunately it led through the car park which was added temptation to get in my car and drive off, my own confidence was bruised. As I walked into the dressing room, more like a bunker than a dressing room, all eyes were upon me. I’d already given them time to conduct their own inquest, the blame game well under way. They were split, half supporting my approach the other deducing it was the reason for what had just occurred. I tried to remain cool and analyse key elements attempting to bring abit of order to chaos. I was not surprised in the slightest who had deviated away from the game plan and who criticised the tactics, I’d anticipated it would happen at some point, they were the same individuals that hadn’t listened during the first training session or any team talk since. I left them with one key message, trust in the process.
I just needed a moment, not a win, just a dawning moment when the squad could see something tangible out of what we were trying to achieve. It came in the most unlikely of places, an away game against second in the league,who were unbeaten and in imperious form. They had a good set up, a 3G pitch with a stand that stood behind me, it felt like a cup final and we played as if it were one. We pushed high to condense play and forced them back until not even their centre forward was in our half of the pitch. We were relentless, outplaying their pragmatic, long ball football but we suffered due to our achilles heal, set pieces. A long free kick and a last minute penalty and we were beaten 2-1 but the players came off as if it were a victory, their eyes had been opened.
The feeling coming out of that 2-1 loss was lived several weeks after. There was a spring in their step, they were brimming with confidence and it was reflected in their play. Centre backs rather than trying to clean up long balls by hooking it over their shoulder were now playing back to the goalie and making an angle to have it back to start another bout of possession. The midfield began to weave pretty patterns and despite struggling to score goals development was evident in my forwards. Some of the team goals were exceptional.
Despite all the positivity I hadn’t quite cracked the small section of disbelievers and unfortunately one in particular was unhappy at being substituted as frequently as she had been. I had tried her in a number of positions. At 8 as she was good technically, as a forward as she had an eye for goal but both were unsuccessful as she would often, in my opinion, play as an individual and not part of a team and hadn’t got onboard with what we were trying to achieve.
During one home game she became particularly disgruntled at being subbed and began to shout at me on the bench. It was a shame, the team were going along well and it definitely took the shine off the performance. She had also fallen out with other members of the squad leading to tears at training, during an away match, I tried to reassure her but it felt like things were coming to a head.
I was confident going into our most difficult game of the season, atleast on paper, we always seemed to raise our game to the level of our opposition, even against top of the league. However the feeling didn’t last long as preparations seemed to be off. Players were late arriving, the dressing rooms were a mess, the pitch was a bog and we had to use a make shift goalkeeper. It was rounded off by the ref making a comment that would disrupt my post match coffee later.
Our change in goalkeeper would affect a key attribute in our game, playing out from the back. Things were not going well and players were getting frustrated, it showed how standards had raised but there and then not, within the moment less than helpful. One more than most took the short sighted approach, I will let you guess who. She had forgot the process and resorted to panic. She attempted a Hollywood pass….I asked her to keep it simple and then all hell would break loose. She stuck her finger up at me. Amazed, I turned to the players on the bench, one looked at me through gritted teeth, I had no option, she had to come off. She asked why and I explained-as dispassionately as I could. She was upset, she spoke to her father who in turn trudged over to me, initially I thought he was going to calm things down but instead I got both barrels, then his wife then the player, who took her shirt off and threw it on the floor. I largely held my gaze to the sky at this moment and by the time I deemed it safe to look down their car was going around the corner, never to be seen again. The game had stopped to see what the hell was going on. The match ended in defeat and my head was spinning. I wanted to get home and close the curtains.
The kettle was on, and I had just completed the digital forms for the game when my phone began to buzz on the work surface, unknown number. “Where do you get off calling me prejudiced?”I had mentioned the referees comment on the match form. Little did I know he was the head referee and was sent my account directly. He was incensed. I thought I delivered a balanced version of events, I also stated he had a good game. He did not see it that way. I said something he got loader, I said something, likewise until we we both appeared to be screaming. I put the phone down and drank my cuppa, the wife didn’t have to say a thing. Had I known he was the head referee I may have let the comment pass without mention but probably not. Principles. I did however speak to the Chairman about all that had transpired and he said I acted accordingly.
Our performances had tailed off, the effects of 2-1 loss well and truly over and we appeared to be going through the motions. I needed to reignite that desire. Just when I felt confidence had somewhat stabilised something would occur to remind me how fragile it really was. During one team talk I changed tack. My usual strategic team talk went out the window for one solely built around character. There are ways to lose and still come off with pride in what you’ve given for yourself and for your team mates was the general message.
We had lost our left sided centre back. Here was a Rolls Royce of a player. She was quick, strong, intelligent and had as good a technical ability as anyone else in the squad, no wonder her nickname was “ athlete”. She rang me one evening and told me the persistent niggle she’d been struggling with was more serious and doctors advice was to no longer play football, we were both gutted. Being left footed she had given us good balance playing out from the back, especially with our left wingback being right footed and coming inside more often than not, they would rotate and it worked well.
I opted for a new formation, 4-3-3 and moved my left footed attacker to left back ,more left wingback really. I thought her attributes could get us into the middle and attacking third with more frequency. She was open and receptive and put in the work required to adapt to a new position. This change benefitted the whole defence. It gave us even better balance for it allowed my right footed left wingback to move to her preferred position at right back. She looked so much more comfortable, suddenly the hand break was off, marauding forward at every opportunity, her game went from strength to strength.
In possession the objective was to make the pitch as big as possible and out of possession condense all the space. However, sometimes trying to operate over such a big space left us disconnected from each other and hindered our ball retention and we were susceptible to a quick counter. I felt the remaining centre backs would also benefit defensively from the change as they had less ability to afford space to the opposition and adding pace to the back line meant we could squeeze up the pitch with more confidence.
I looked at our goalkeeper, she was vital to our style of play but she had plateaued and wasn’t giving the best account of herself in training. An opportunity arose to bring in a high quality goalkeeper returning from injury and I took it. My thinking was that creating competition for places would motivate her, she would either sink or swim. She didn’t like what I’d done, I hadn’t expected her to, but her reaction was instant. She was more vocal, posing questions over tactics during team talks and offering words of support to her team mates during times of need. She had become a driving force.
It turned out that the new addition to the team wouldn’t work out in any case. She was due to start an away game but had asked if she could leave at half time to attend a party. In my mind you’re either in or out there’s no middle ground but that was especially the case here as I’d gone out on abit of a limb. I called her and said I didn’t think this was going to work out. After a lengthy discussion we both agreed to disagree. I had respected her for speaking her mind but I had made my decision. I have bumped into her on occasions since and we get on, she’s good people.
I wasn’t performing either. Since the loss of my sons the time around my birthday, their birthdays and the dates of their deaths was very difficult but this year seemed harder than most. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t taking care of myself. I didn’t want to socialise anymore and I isolated myself. I couldn’t stop sweating. My PTSD was flaring up allowing me to miss key information during conversations, pretending afterward that I knew what they were talking about. I was suffering and I believed the team was suffering as a consequence. We had had issues with a couple of invoices and needed to generate money fast, I blamed myself. I had dropped the ball. I couldn’t get out of the situation but more worrying was, I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I decided to leave.
During an away game one of my substitutes had asked if she could leave, her mother was sick and she wanted to be by her side. “Go”, I said, family comes first. She messaged me after the game to say she was going to have to pack it in. Her Mother has suffering with a long term illness and work was making it harder to commit to football. It was a shame but I couldn’t argue with her reasoning, I’d have done the same thing.
About a week later she asked if I could delete her from the portal, she was signing with a new team. To say I was disappointed is an understatement, I had given the player lifts to every training session and ferried her to every game and this is how I’d been repaid. I did as she wished. She was to join her fathers new team. He had been to see several of our games and knew I had a good group but when he friend requested most of them I felt he was trying to build a team the easy way. I spoke to him and I spoke to the players and I think we knew where we stood. But it was a needless distraction.
The team had been fantastic, I received some lovely messages wishing me well. I hadn’t gone into specifics for my leaving but they knew I had a lot on my plate. We looked forward to our last few games together. They had become better players a better team, more harmonious, it was nice to watch the fruits of our labour.
I had got swept up in the positivity and reversed my decision to leave. If this is how good they could become after a year what would I be witnessing next season? It was a bad decision, I still wasn’t well and I sensed the players thought I’d turned everything into a circus maybe for my own self-aggrandisement ……. I shudder that that may have been the opinion.
The players decided to take no time off during the off season, I thought this was a mistake, the previous season had been long and I thought they needed a rest physically and mentally. Eventually out of guilt I started preseason a lot earlier than I would have preferred. I had convinced myself that I needed to draw up a new plan almost to prove something to myself in resentment of how I was feeling. I read an inordinate amount of literature on tactics that I thought would help us with some of the issues that had loitered. I looked at the data and convinced myself this was the way to go.
A lover of the great Ajax side of the mid 90s I adopted a 3-4-3. I wanted players in the half space, I could see how it could disrupt the opposition and get us more goals, one element of our game that was a struggle.
One conclusion I have drawn from this period is they didn’t need more from me, they needed less. I’ve since learned that by stepping back and observing from a distance a better overall view of the process occurs and this can greatly inform your decision making as a different perspective is gathered. You don’t create leaders by drip feeding them, you can get a false impression that way. Patience by allowing them to fail and giving them their own space to problem solve will create a much more solid foundation. Give them the reigns from time to time.
By the time I held a presentation at the clubhouse detailing the plans for the new season it was apparent to me, heads had gone. Training sessions were terrible and I had to stop one for the sheer lack of effort. Players were arguing with decisions and pre season friendlies, when we could play them for lack of numbers, were a difficult watch.
The last away game had made up my mind. Players were late, again, and I felt like I was repeating myself in the team talk, my voice becoming lost. I watched our warm up, often a tell tale sign of how we were going to perform and to say it was lacklustre was an understatement. Looking back I’d neglected a key aspect, I thought providing an energy was enough but I should have done more team building away from the pitch. Knowing and understanding each other and taking time to build to form those bonds and build those relationships.
I was trying a player at centre back, she was quick, really quick and I thought she could help, I wish I’d seen her potential sooner. She had just come through the obligatory rest period due to a concussion but it was clear she was struggling and needed to be replaced. I looked to see if our sub had finally arrived, she had but she was stood next to her Mom and hadn’t got changed. I was acting linesman on the opposite side of the pitch so I shouted her over. “ I don’t think I can play”. She had been out the night before and had been sick on the way to the game. I explained the situation and coerced her into getting changed. It seemed to take forever, we were down to 9 players due to an ankle injury. Eventually she appeared but rather than come to me she went and stood next to her mom again. I screamed her over, hell the ref did. She was reluctant but went on. It was the final straw. I let known my displeasure in the post match team talk. The actions I had witnessed were a far removal from the principles I hold dear. It’s caused me difficulty being so principled throughout my life, I can get boxed in and rarely get any commendation, not that’s what I’m looking for but I can’t deny procrastination has been far too prevalent in the past. It’s taken time for me trust myself, added reassurance would have been welcome. Im trying to get the balance right. I’m a work in progress.
My captain walked off, so did a few others. The sub messaged me to say she was leaving, I offered instead. My captain didn’t want either of us to leave and asked me to get her back, I said no again out of principle and resigned instead.
It would end acrimoniously. There would be no best wishes messages, save for a few. It was a shame it ended that way but it doesn’t detract from the lessons I have learned and the overall experience that I’m better for.
Hiatus Football 